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Aug. 10th, 2013 | 12:13 pm

I could blog more I suppose. Would have to do it at the library since I don't have net at home. But then I usually work on Saturdays. But here it goes. My husband and I are splitting. Officially. I think we have a chance to make it work. But that is the way it is every time we 'split'. And I don't want to do this again. I don't want to just have him, even if he doesn't love me. Someone will love me. Maybe. And actually be glad to wake up next to ME. It is so frustrating because you know what would really make it all feel better? Is just to have him scoop me up and tell me he loves me and kiss me everywhere. And it would all be a lie. And I would have to start all over again with getting over it. But that is all the emotional crap.

The worst of it is I don't know what the hell I am going to do. I mean, separated from him. Financially. The idea I am kicking around is giving him custody of the kids for the year. Getting a second job. Maybe three jobs. I mean all I could probably find is part time. So say I work at cracker barrel Tuesday through Thursday at night, plus maybe Saturday night and Sunday. then I get a second job for Monday Tuesday and Wednesday morning. and One for Thursday and Friday morning. I could probably swing about 60 hours a week. $200 or so from cracker barrel, and at about minimum wage $200 or so from the other jobs. Giving me enough money to help mom with the bills, pay child support, have gas and something to eat, and put some back. We could split taxes this year. I could put the money back. then at the NEXT tax return I could have a good chunk of change, be able to get a decent place and some furniture, pay up my rent for a year, and from then on be able to survive on just my one job at the barrel and child support.

I guess that is the worst part. The financial issues. thinking that to survive I would have to either give up my kids and just visit them anyways, or keep my kids and have to work so much just to pay a sitter and bills that I would NEVER see them. I actually would have more time to spend with them this way I think.

First of course we have to step back in time. My mom moved down here in November. She had a house fire in December. She is staying with me and has been since then. We need to get her house fixed still. Hopefully we will soon, seeing as how I need a place to stay now. Everything is supposed to be calm by October. My year reading says so. I hope it is right.

Honestly it isn't like Allen is kicking me out. But I cannot get over him and move on with my life if I have to see him everyday. Goodness knows I will be in his bed and in his hair all the time. I love him so much.

I tried yesterday just hating him. Fuck Allen. Hope he falls off of a bridge and dies. Gets herpes. Unfortunately he doesn't have life insurance so wishing him dead isn't working for me. Then he was really nice to me. And he is a good dad. And he could be a good friend. It'd be a lot easier on our little split up family if we could get along. But I am so angry. Why wait seven years into a marriage to say hey, I don't love you and I never have, I just married you because you were having my kid and hey I have been faking it for all this time. I could have learned this FIVE YEARS AGO before I had two more kids. Before I was closer to 30 than 20. That is five years I would have had to find someone who actually liked me. or at least to have weekends off when he picked up the kids lmao. but seriously...

I have to survive the next month or three with him. without wigging completely out, until I can move in with my mom.

I don't even know why I ever bothered having kids, seeing as how now it just looks like the only way just to survive will be to hardly even see them.

I am so heart sick...

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feeling the pressure

Oct. 18th, 2010 | 09:50 am

So, since it's official we're going to lose the house, we are on the look out for a new place. rent or rent to own. has be be under $500 per month. I am going crazy not being able to go out and look. I want to see if I can get my mother in law to sit the kids Saturday while Allen and I go out and look. I just wish I wasn't stuck at home.

I am losing my mind, and I don't even have the gas money to go anywhere or do anything. Right this moment, I just want to scream. Can't sell shit apparently with my stupid business I should have never started. I want out of here! The kids are driving me nuts. I am just... feeling crazy for so many reasons.

Running around with my hands in the air screaming, banging up against the walls like a freak in a straight jacket.

In my head.

Not coping well and I just want out out OUT OUT OUT OUT!! I hate the waiting and wondering, and I hate being stuck here at home, alone with nothing but creeping insecurities and big black negativity streaming out of my ears.

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oi

Sep. 18th, 2010 | 01:31 pm

the weekend. This weekend I fail at shipping to FIVE different people, go me! Will get it out next week end though. I just barely had grocery money, and we're going to have to borrow gas money. Allen put his foot down and said next week, and he's right. Fam first. Everyone is super understanding though. I got my new BL prints. A white and blue argyle, black and grey argyle, cherry print on special order for one person, and more cow print <3. I have a good inventory going. Wish it would move, but my OCD love lining them all up in the plastic tub by which prints I have the most of (brown and blue argyle, black with white stars, etc, etc... I have 11 prints available now! Actually, I have a pair of hello kitty pairs to sell, yes yes. 13 prints... I am so awesome!

Anywho, I am catching up on cleaning. Allen did some funky voodoo on the trash on the back porch so no aminals would climb around in it and so there isn't the death smell all about anymores, yay! I have the kitchen surface cleaned. I need to finish off a couple more dishes, and if I had time would love to get the floor scrubbed and cabinets organized, but doubt I will. There is still the rest of the house, lol. Catching up on laundry, about to go get into the dining room while all the fam is asleep. After everyone is up and has had lunch I'll finish the dishes.

I am doing okay. Quit smoking fail x?, going out for a smoke after this post. Maybe next week...

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(no subject)

Apr. 2nd, 2010 | 07:56 am

letter B
~add to board
~B is for blue butterfly (spring)
~coloring page(s)
~find letter B's
~rice pan B
~2 B's make a butterfly (spring)(number 2
)

Number 2
~coloring page(s)
~count two things

~add to board
~two brothers
~2 years old


Color Blue
~blue sky

~color with blue
~add to board
~paint with blue
~blue squares gluing

Butterflies
~look online
~add to board
~butterfly kisses
~butterflies on clothes
~face paint
~smooshed paper paint butterflies

Caterpillars
~turn into butterflies
~on the board
~show with playdough

~play dough shaping

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ho hum, building a new curriculum

Apr. 1st, 2010 | 11:33 am

Typical Course of Study Preschool Curriculum Guide
Size

* Understands big and little.
* Understands long and short.
* Matches shapes or objects based on size.
Colors and Shapes

* Recognizes and names primary colors.
* Recognizes circles.
* Recognizes rectangles.
* Matches shapes or objects based on shape.
* Copies shapes.
Numbers

* Counts orally through 10.
* Counts objects in one-to-one correspondence.
* Understands empty and full.
* Understands more and less.
Reading Readiness

* Remembers objects from a given picture.
* Knows what a letter is.
* Has been read to frequently.
* Has been read to daily.
* Looks at books and magazines.
* Recognizes some nursery rhymes.
* Identifies parts of the body.
* Identifies objects that have a functional use.
* Knows common farm and zoo animals.
* Pronounces own first name.
* Pronounces own last name.
* Expresses self verbally.
* Identifies other children by name

* Tells the meaning of simple words.
* Repeats a sentence of 6-8 words.
* Completes incomplete sentence with proper word.
* Has own books.
* Understands that print carries a message.
* Pretends to read.
* Uses left-to-right progression.

* Answers questions about a short story.
* Tells the meaning of words heard in story.
* Looks at pictures and tells a story.
* Identifies own first name in manuscript.
* Prints own first name.
Position and Direction

* Understands up and down.
* Understands in and out.
* Understands front and back.

* Understands over (on) and under.
* Understands top, bottom, middle.
* Understands beside and next to.
* Understands hot and cold.

* Understands fast and slow.
Time

* Understands day and night.

* Knows age and birthday.
Listening and Sequencing

* Follows simple directions.
* Listens to a short story.
* Listens carefully.
* Recognizes common sounds.
* Repeats a sequence of sounds.

* Repeats a sequence of orally given numbers.
* Retells simple stories in sequence.
Motor Skills

* Is able to run.
* Is able to walk a straight line.
* Is able to jump.
* Is able to hop.

* Is able to alternate feet walking down stairs.
* Is able to march.
* Is able to stand on one foot for 5-10 seconds.
* Is able to walk backwards for five feet.
* Is able to throw a ball.

* Pastes objects.
* Claps hands.
* Matches simple objects.
* Touches fingers.

* Able to button a garment.
* Builds with blocks.
* Completes simple puzzles
(5 pieces or less).

* Draws and colors beyond
* a simple scribble.
* Able to zip a zipper.
* Controls pencil and crayon well.

* Cuts simple shapes.
* Handles scissors well.
* Able to copy simple shapes.
Social-Emotional Development

* Can be away from parents or primary care givers for 2-3 hours
without being upset
.
* Takes care of toilet needs independently.
* Feels good about self.
* Is not afraid to go to school.

* Cares for own belongings.
* Knows full name.
* Dresses self.
* Knows how to use handkerchief
or tissue.

* Knows own sex.
* Brushes teeth.
* Crosses residential street safely.
* Asks to go to school.
* Knows parents' names.
* Knows home address.
* Knows home phone number.
* Enters into casual conversation.
* Carries a plate of food.
* Maintains self-control.
* Gets along well with other children.
* Plays with other children.

* Recognizes authority.
* Shares with others.
* Talks easily.
* Likes teachers.
* Meets visitors without shyness.
* Puts away toys.
* Able to stay on task.
* Able to work independently.
* Helps family with chores.

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maaaan

Mar. 30th, 2010 | 08:58 am

you know, I really like these communities where you do all the activities and get points and cards and stuff... I don't particularly like the application processes or the rating stuff, but anywho... I'd love to start one just for moms, but I have no clue how to do all the graphics and stuff to make, like, card sets. I don't really have time for doing graphic elements, any who... if anyone does know how and wants to make like a mommy version of one of those types of comms, lemme know.

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blogitty blog

Mar. 17th, 2010 | 11:47 am

hello! happy st. patty's day, I am so not wearing green (lol).

everyone is asleep and I have a headache, so so much for capitalizing on what could be some sleep for me :(

I'm loving the grey weather.

The house is a mess, of course, and so am I, but trying to stay positive.

Caught Lilith in the bathroom covered in a wide variety of lotions and soaps *gonk*.

6 week breast feeding ribbon has been added to my profile.

And yeah. Started going to church, how exciting.

Hope all is well with you all <3

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my check up, 29 weeks

Nov. 30th, 2009 | 03:36 pm

Okay, so I am 29 weeks today. I am weighing in at 210, which is 2 lbs less than 3 weeks ago when I went. My uterus size has gone up exponentially, and the doc said I am measuring very close to someone with one child at full term, which is why my syptoms are so severe. They are full term pregnancy symptoms (the pain, the heart burn, etc). Babies and I are in great health though, other than my pretty much constant agony. Heart beats are great. Like I said, I am measuring large (as I ought to be, I suppose). My blood pressure was 118/57, my sugar is normal, my everything just looks great!

Everytime I go he does something that bothers me (well, he and the nurses do this). He acts as if it's just not likely I will make it to term, or like it is a long shot that I hope to make it to the end of January. Now, I realize that the risk I run of going into labor at any moment is very real, however I want to be optimistic and keep a positive flow of energy towards the continued pregnancy until I am ready, and they are ready, to go into labor healthfully and naturally. I guess it's so that if I do go into labor, I don't panic or am not as suprised as I could be if I wasn't presented with the very real risk of going into actual labor. I am confident in my ability to carry regardless :D

But man I am in so much pain!! The house is such a pig stye. Like, call DHR pig-stye. But I can't get off my feet to keep the house. I can't stand to stand for much more than 15-20 minutes anymore. I am quite officially crippled for the time being, and for the next couple months I suppose. Blarg!

I need help around here, and it's times like this I really wish I could smack my mother in all her uselessness. Never has she done anything right for me. Never. She had a chance to do right by me. She refused. What is with my family and their suckiness at life? E-mailed my Dad. Got no response. My grandma is sitting on a fortune, and I can't ask her for anything for the babies, or for money for bills, and she can't even send me any money on holidays. Why does my family suck? Why can't I just be cared for?

But enough of that... I need to go... well, go lie on the couch I suppose (what else CAN I do?).

TTYL

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heart burn!!!

Nov. 28th, 2009 | 06:20 pm

Hello! I still have yet to upload my 28 week belly photo, so I am just going to wait until I get my 29 week photo Monday to upload the couple photos I caught recently (not a bunch or a good lot of them, but a few okay ones).

Man, I feel so helpless. I bet you don't want to hear me whine, BUT it's what I do! So, what hurts? Hmm, my chest, my stomach, my throat (heart burn, acid reflux, gas) my ribs (because babies are growing up into that region now), my groin (gravity, too much activity on Thursday, orgasms), my fingers (my right hand middle finger has been numb for like a week and it feels terrible *well, then it's not numb, but it's like... almost numb*), my legs and hips are constantly cramping and straining, my feet hurt and are swollen, my stretch marks are itching, as is my belly button (I am going to have a belly flap that hangs to my knees after these babies arrive, blech!)... and my back, man! I can't sleep, I can't eat... I am dying!!! All I can say is all I usually say *jokingly, of course* is that they had better be cute (lol).

But seriously, I know I am not supposed to do anything on my feet if I can help it, but then there are just things that need doing. I know I feel better when I rest... but I am a mother and a home maker and I really can't afford the luxury of doing nothing (who on earth can, really?). Allen is helping as much as he can, but he is tired and over worked and is sick also/needs to see a doctor (I have a doc appt Monday, and he is going to see a doc that day as well.) I think that he has ear infections in both ears, his joints and back are killing him, he's nauseated... among other things he needs to bring up. Poor guy :(

Anywho, LILITH is, on the other hand, fantastic :D. She is just learning so fast, and her sentence structure as well as her vocabulary is almost untrackable anymore. She is just on a developmental spurt that is unbelievable to me! Just WOW WOW WOW!!

We went to the thrift store today and got a BUNCH of pants and sweaters and long sleeved shirts for her. We also got her some National Geographics (she's at an age and learning stage I think it will be good for me to start noting and playing off of her interest in the world), some books, some stuffed animals... yeah, she scored big time. (she is currently in the kitchen with daddy, and wants some *ice cweam pwease?*)

Still need to get rid of the kittens? Takers? Anyone? Anyone? lol

umm... and yeah.

Oh! Thanksgiving went perfect. I paid for it PHYSICALLY, of course, but the eats were bomb! I made my first turkey (perfect), made pseudo candied yams (sweet potato, orange juice, brown sugar, clove, marshmellows), stuffing, cheesy tatos, and for DESSERT!? Brownies, vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream (drools). PERFECT!!!

Anywho, I have no idea what to blog about, and I feel like this is the most annoying post ever, so I will go eat some pain, I mean, food now.

Happy ... end of November 0_o !!!

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might have a NB prefold stash

Nov. 27th, 2009 | 08:37 am

okay, I am working on a deal for prefolds, $10 for a dozen, so I'm happy (or will be, if all works out well). I'll get 5 dozen and be more than covered (well, I hope so anyways) for the first few month (assuming I can use them up to maybe 15 lbs or so? I am still speaking to the woman).

SO, that done, I would need to start a cover stash

http://www.wildflowerdiapers.com/store/pc/viewPrd.asp?idproduct=7634&idcategory=438
http://www.wildflowerdiapers.com/store/pc/viewPrd.asp?idproduct=8023&idcategory=438

I'm really looking at the ones that size for *all sizes*, however they won't cover me when I have two newborns that might be small in the house. I am looking at NB and small covers, and I am just like @_@ so lost. I feel like I'll never be able to afford a GOOD stash on time. And yet, technically speaking, we should be just fine, because life is fine with babies, no matter how much you spaz before they come, everything falls into place when they are here. I'll have prefolds, and I *do* have a couple AIO diapers (I have three, and I worry they aren't great quality, but they shall be tested). I'll have time to buy maybe a cover a week *sans this next week because, of course, I'll be buying prefolds. Even if I decide not to buy from this woman, this is still prefolds week, and I'll be spending about $60 (to the detriment of our house payment, but we'll survive).

So yeah, cloth diapering mamas on my f-list, do you have any links to used diaper pages, or have any seriously PREFERRED covers for newborns. I hear, although wouldn't know because my daughter was breast fed as a newborn, and I never was around other babies, that breastfeeding causes more blowouts, and would rather not *stain up my world*. I assume they'll start out thin. Lilith has always been long legged (go her!). So anyways, thoughts? Diaperswappers is already on my list of sites. ebay proves to be close to useless, unless you know what I should be looking for on there. I want used, or new, but don't particularly savor the idea of spending more than $10-$15 on a NB or XS diaper, since I just want a really quick (like I have 11 weeks maximum, but probably closer to 7 weeks, to stock up).

I'm rambline now, I believe. Give me your thoughts, advice, links, tell me you love me, whatever!

Happy day after Thanksgiving! I'll post an actual blog later...
~Dez~

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